All your doing is beating me down.
Making me feel worse and worse.
And all I wanna do is give up,
And give in…..to myself.
You’re just making me feel worthless.
And causing me to realize I’m not above that lifestyle.
And honestly…
I don’t care about ANYTHING.
Because none of it matters anymore.
You’ve taken away EVERYTHING at my expense.
You don’t realize how much this is costing me.
I’m losing everyone and everything that makes me who I am.
I don’t feel like myself anymore.
I have no determination to do anything positive with my life.
And it’s completely your fault.
So fuck you.
Your sucking the life out of me.
I have no desire for anything other than escaping this.
And my only escape…
Is ending this…. Everything.
Because it’s never going to get better.
Spare me the shit I’ll feel…
And just let me die here.

I run.
to escape this bustling atmosphere.
I stumble into the lav.
My oasis of privacy…
I escape into the last stall.
Turn on the sink…
The flow of the water drowning out the sound of my quiet weeps.
I’m gasping for air.
And my breathing gets faster.
My cries more violent….
And I just let go.
Barely breathing, bawling into my own hands.
As the salty droplets roll down my cheeks.
I realize…
I am not alone.
Beyond the door is another.
Hopelessly sobbing in harmony with me.
We are an orchestra of pain.
I wait until the last tear hits the floor.
I slowly emerge from the safety of my stall.
To see you.
Your last gasp of air lingers.
The air is stale.
The unpleasant odors suddenly more noticeable.
I approach my own reflection with disdain.
I see an unfamiliar face.
A stranger.
She looks so weak.
Then,
I realize its me.
I momentarily forget your presence…
Caught up with unfortunate reality.
Our eyes meet….
And I embrace not being alone anymore.

...

And I sit here alone.
This somber tone a reflection of my life.
For so long I’ve wanted to escape,
to break free from the bonds of this life.
And I haven’t.
I contemplate the possibilities.
Why am I waiting?
I realize I have nothing worth waiting for.
And then without preparation…
I run.
Against the wind and fighting it.
My hair tumbling behind me.
As I break into a sprint…
I realize there are tears streaming down my face.
But they are not for joy.
They’re cries of anguish,
And I feel broken.
I’ve always wanted to just run….
Run away.
But now that I am,
It’s not what I thought it’d be.
I thought it would be exhilarating,
And I’d feel free.
But I feel more trapped than ever.
But I just keep going.
Afraid if I stop….
I’ll fall apart.
And this time…
Not have the strength to recover.
Maybe that’d be best,
To just fall apart and leave everything behind.
But what if I keep running?

...

Your just a rain drop on my window.
Something that catches my eye.
But not in time.
Because by the time your in view.
You roll down and disappear.
And it leaves me wondering...
would it have made a difference if you'd stuck around a little bit longer?

Ironically enough...

I find it humorous that you don't want to be in my life until now.
Until i have it together and I'm happy.
Because you weren't there when i needed you the most.
I'm not going to allow you to be a part of my life now.
Well at least not what you could of been if you'd been there when i cried out for you.
I'm fortunate i have the strength to realize your nothing and you don't deserve the opportunity to watch me thrive if you weren't willing to be there for me at a low point in my life.
so fuck you.
and all your stupid comments.
insults.
and your lame friends.
because i dont need you anymore.

...........

She wakes up with the feeling of him watching.
She's not scared...but comforted.
And as soon as she realizes the source of the feeling.
He's gone.
Never on time for opportunities.
But she has to live on even so...
the occasional one she does pursue is worth it.
And she wallows in desperation...for him until the next taste.
But she'll never know when that will be.
And she waits.
When she could be with someone else.
She's still waiting for him.
But she wants to...
forget.
Because she can't keep doing this.
Keep living like this...
without knowing.
But she can't...
forget.
Because he's her everything.
Her perfect image.
But sometimes...its not enough.
Because when shes not with him...
hes occupying her thought process.
And she has to pretend...
she doesn't care.
Has to pretend his absence doesn't affect her...
even when she can't stand to bear waking up to a dream...that was meant to be a reality.
And there's nothing she can do....
but wait out the storm...
his absence mustered up.
so until then...
she'll be thinking of him..
with hopes of memories replaying...
and as time passes...
she loses hope.

...

And finally....
you're here.

...

You bring out the worst in me.

Now...

I rejoice in your return.
After all this time apart.
You still care.
But I'm not sure I can give you my heart this time...
because last time...
HURT.
I never stopped
thinking of you...
caring...
And I see through your mistakes,
because I understand I wasn't around for a while.
I couldn't expect you to wait.
Although that would have been amazing.
So significant.
I know now its impossible.
Not the actually happening.
Just the meaning behind it.
The significance of it to you.
I hope we can make up for what we've lost.
But how can I be sure..
this is real??
When so many times before..
lies disguised as the truth.
And how can I sacrifice everything for you.
I'm positive of my feelings.
But I can't identify the credibility of yours.
I want to believe you have faith in us.
But I can't.
Because I'm not sure..
Don't tell me how you feel.
Please show me...I've lost my faith in words.
Sounds you may feel obligated to shape into words and sentences and nights of conversation.
But am I a fool??
For you.
Am I being fooled??
I can't tell if what I'm seeing is real.
I've lost my faith in that too.
I fear my vision is clouded with my desire to see something that may not exist.
But if only a glimpse of what you see...in us.
If our views are synchronized...
I can be positive of our fate.

:)

The weather outside is rather pleasant.
Its perfect really.
and I am content.
I feel like I can accomplish something.
For real...give me a challenge.
I can handle it.
I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow.
I'm not sure it can even compete with my mindset today.
But you know what.
There is life here.
And tomorrow doesn't matter...its not important.
I'm embracing today and right now.
For the first time ever.
I love my life.
And I love living it.
And that is enough for me.
I feel infinite.

You and me.

You completely consume me...
And I love you.
But after all the trouble I caused for you.
Are your promises still true??
Do you still think of me??
I would do anything to have you here with me.
But it will never happen.
I will never have my chance.
Our perfect plans will never play out.
And its all because of me.
Because I decided to do what I knew was wrong.
It's because I felt too guilty to keep it to myself.
I just had to confess to someone.
And that someone was rather alarmed.
I was so stupid.
If I could of only shut my mouth...
I could still feel like I was part of you.
Like I meant something to you.
Like I used to.
We should have waited.
Until it was right.
The right time under the right circumstances.
But I just had to rush.
And now...
I'm in a world of pain.
I can't even communicate with you.
And at this point..
I'm desperate for you.
You frequent my mind a lot more than you should.
It's been so long...Why can't I just forget??
But you just have to be..
Every errant thought in my mind.
I can't stand this anymore.
I am so sick of being looked down upon because of how I chose to express what i felt...what i feel.
It's not just between you and me anymore.
And now..
I feel like nothing.
Nothing to you.
Nothing to the world.
At least in the moments I shared with you....
I felt like something..
to you.

A Team of Three

I wish i could revisit those days. I desperately hope that someday I can catch a glimpse of how things used to be.

Forsaken

It seems being alone has become a permanent setting.
A lifestyle.

I hate it.

I feel like dying.

I long to embrace loneliness.
To be strong.
Be the light.
Not be touched by the darkness.

But I know my abilities fall short.
I will never be like that.

For so long I've endured this.
The hope of a brighter day
My only motivation.

To be inspired by life.
I yearn for that kind of satisfaction.

But to ache for death...

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
This feeble excuse for living.

But it is like this.
Regardless my craving for something else.

I still have to trudge through life.

Overhead

I wish i could be a bird for a day.
To be able to see everything below me.
To poop where ever I please.
To migrate in the winter to avoid the cold.
To teach my offspring to fly.
To build nest.
But not only that...
I want to fly.
To soar.
To be superman's inspiration.

Fracture

A broken bone.
Is more than just a bone.
It is a reminder.
But the breakage of human bones can be closely related with a tragedy or mishap in ones life.
The fracture is the event.
But the trauma and disadvantages of having a broken bone are the effects of the unfortunate experience.

Closed Fracture When there is a closed fracture there is no broken skin. The bones which broke do not penetrate the skin (but may be seen under the skin) and there is no contusion from external trauma.

A closed fracture is one of those experiences that are painful but may not be visible. You heal and recover. It may take some time, but there is hope. It's a learning experience.


Compound Bone Fracture When this occurs, the bone breaks and fragments of the bone will penetrate through the internal soft tissue of the body and break through the skin from the inside. There is a high rise of infection if external pathogenic factors enter into the interior of the body.

A compound fracture is a lot more complicated.It's the experience that's unbearable. The one you can't manage to disguise. The break that draws attention. The kind that makes people wonder what happened. It's the one situation that completely consumes you. Also, after the point of healing, you may still have pain or some limited mobility. A high rise of infection. Infection. So this injury may possibly lead to other unwanted events that follow up after the big one. A compound fracture can be a "let's wait and see" kind of deal. Come back in 4 weeks and we'll see how it looks then. So you just feel stuck with a broken bone. And there's not much you can do about it after you've sought assistance from someone. Just doctors orders. Don't get it wet. Your still fragile. Be careful.You may not be able to participate in some of your normal activities. But in time maybe someday you'll be able to be the person you used to be.

My First Blog.

My eyelids flutter.
I awake in darkness.
I am lost.
With no clue
As to where I am.
I feel not quite normal.
Like there is something foreign
running through my body.
I feel
EMPTY
ALONE
LOST
FORGOTTEN.
I am cold.
I have no recollection
of the events leading up to now.
Where am I??
But then,
I see the lights.
The headlights.
The spinning vehicle making its way to me.
But why??
Why isn't my body moving
away from this apparent danger??
I am SHOCKED.
Like a swift wind.
I see
The driver
a stranger
but
the most significant mug.
Is this really the end??
How can this be??
It has just begun.
But the end is approaching rapidly.
I am HELPLESS. hopeless
I look into his eyes and see fear.
He looks into mine and sees relief.
But its too late.
My body is frozen in its place.
I am stuck
here
now.
I am not sure I want it to be over.
But then I know it is.
And i like the idea.
I let out a fatalistic scream.
Joined by the screech of brakes.
I am flying
AWAY
I look up.
I see those eyes.
But they are not fearful.
They are guilty
but lovely.
And then i realize where i am.
In this small box.
Dressed in this
stiff outfit.
I am
DEAD.
Forever.
I shut my eyes
peacefully
embracing
the stillness.