Yen

I set my heart on gaining your understanding.

...

As much as I hate this...
there's nothing i can do because this is just the situation I've been put in.
I know what I'm doing.
I know what I'm sacrificing.
throwing away.
but i just don't care anymore.
I should care.
because this is my life.
my own future I'm ruining.
I cant go back now.
It's too late.
So fuck it.
It just doesn't matter.
I'm growing comfortable with this lifestyle.
I like it.
And i might just be happy.
So I'll face the consequences of living like this when they happen.
All that matters is right now.

Hopefully someday.

Look at this GIRL.
Do you think she knew?
I wonder what she'd THINK of ME.
And I DESPERATELY wish i could educate her.
WARN her.
And tell her to make the most of those DAYS.

I long to have that simplicity back.
But its okay because sometimes...
I feel like I am that GIRL.
With that CRAZY too big SMILE.
Making the most of what she has.
With such BEAUTIFUL INNOCENCE.
Loving her family because she couldn't imagine a life without them.
A girl who knew everything would be okay.
Who only CRIED when she fell down.

Well I can't be her completely.
There's some things i just can't forget.
People and habits i can't leave behind.
But when i see that girl...
it gives me HOPE.

...??

i know this is all completely WRONG.
but for some strange reason.
i feel RIGHT.

for the first time in a long time...
i feel like im worth it.
and i feel alive.

its a relief to feel that way...ALIVE.
because for a while id thought i was gone.
just wasting away until this gracious god of yours decided to LET ME LEAVE.

but this...and you..
makes me feel like there's a chance for me.

which is all wrong.
i shouldnt ever feel like that.
and especially not because of this.

but i do.
and i cant deny it.

ive never wanted something this much in my life.
and nothings ever been so far out of reach for me.

which just causes me to want this that much more.
its more than i can bear.
I NEED YOU.